I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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