i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
ok first of all what the fuck
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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