Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
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