so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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