I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
