my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
