Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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