i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Randomize
