it hurts more in the daytime
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
