thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Small penises have feelings too.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize