Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
