remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
At what point did we cease to have vaginas?
Sometime in the sweat pants phase freshman year.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
