Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
