I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Randomize
