so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Is it because I queefed?
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
