She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
