I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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