i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Randomize
