why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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