Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
