you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
