I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
