She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
it glows. i had to have it.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
