I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
