How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
