i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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