Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
