dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
