there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
