New low: just hacked my moms facebook
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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