that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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