Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
We discussed how the marijuana was making the dopamine float around our nucleus accumbens last night when we were high. Yet another example of how our science classes are perverting our good times.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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