the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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