i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
