we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
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