Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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