I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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