it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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