I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Randomize
