I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
