She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
