I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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