I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Ladies don't puke and tell
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
