I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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