I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
When did angry sex become our thing?
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
