his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Randomize
