Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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