guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
