I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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