I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
This show inspires me to have sex in space
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
