when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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