I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
