Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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