look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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