Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
