I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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