My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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