i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
