Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
